More Feet than Achilles

On Sunday, I was at Lestat's coffee house in Normal Heights, an eclectic neighborhood in San Diego, to meet a new friend, A.

Now, I had already had ample opportunity that morning to consume a pot of the excellent Starbucks coffee that we have in constant supply in our house, thanks to my honey, T., so between my bipolar meds and the caffeine, I was shaking like mad.

At Lestats' register, I opted out of another cup of coffee and ordered a Sierra Mist (not just for the caffeine-free component, but because it was a beverage I didn't think I would need two hands to drink.) when I saw an old friend, J. Now, J. and I had been out of touch by virtue of drama, so I conferred with A. about whether or not I should say hello. Being sensible, A. had no opinion whatsoever except to say that it was my choice.

I approached J.'s table, and my tremors, now a mixture of caffeine, meds, and a major case of the nerves, made me shake from head to toe, like I was naked in the cold in front of 1,000 people. Totally vulnerable, weird, and embarrassed, I made a comment about having too much coffee that morning, and J. simply said, "I guess so..."

In my experience with bipolar disorder, I am used to vulnerable, weird, and embarrassing situations, so I usually go out of my way to be opaque, normal, and appropriate.

In this situation, I know it is true that the tremor-inducing meds and the anxiety would put anyone in a tizzy, but that a pot of coffee, coupled with seeing J., ramped the whole situation up. I also know that the caffeine consumption arena of recovery is an Achilles heel (I have more feet than Achilles) because I will not be giving up coffee anytime soon, in spite of the occasional moment of awkwardness.

So why the stubbornness? Or why not just switch to decaf? Hmmm...

What can I say, at least for now, I will be keeping Starbucks in business. And I can also say that Lestat's is probably in my future as well. I guess J. overlooked my shakes and agreed to meet me for what else...coffee.